I’ve been giving a lot of thought to the whole notion of control.

It’s probably a safe bet to assume that we’re, as a society, obsessed with our control over even the smallest aspects of our existence.  Take, for example, our morning cup of ‘joe’.  Here’s the scenario:

I pull into Starbucks at 6:45a.m. for a grande cup of house blend.  I’m three cars behind.  Three minutes go by.  Now four.  After the passing of the fifth minute, I begin to lose my patience as the ‘incompetent’ barrista is on the fast track to ruining an already red letter morning.  I finally get to the window, 7 minutes into my now more than annoying trek for morning caffeine,  hastily grab my coffee, pay the young man behind the counter, and speed off to work.

Throughout this 10 minute stretch of my day, my mind is constantly providing commentary on the unfolding scene.

Jesus, don’t know they I’m in a hurry?

what the hell’s taking so long?

I just wanted a cup of coffee!

We’ve become so accustomed to having things as and when we want, that the notion of accepting the things we can’t change is about the farthest from our minds.  Our society, a technocratic one, is all about how to fix ‘x’ in the fastest and most efficient way possible.

I’ll humbly submit that I think this mode of thinking is more far reaching than just a vignette from the local coffee shop:  it’s a way of approaching the world that is fundamentally flawed.  While there are many ways for us to influence our circumstances, the most significant opportunities for influence are the least expected.

As a matter of fact, our ability to influence reality is nowhere more powerful than with our own minds.  There is a power that’s been hidden by the over-specialized, utilitarian world in which we live and which, when accessed, can be the difference between living a fulfilled, aesthetically pleasing life, and living one in which frustration and disappointment are the norm.

This power is simply this:  choice.  We have the power to choose how we act and react in every single situation in which we find ourselves.  Now, this might seem contrary to our current victim psychology.  We’re so keyed into believing that we SHOULD have control over all things, that we fall into a victim mentality when they eventually and inevitably DON’T go as we please.  We say things like this:

I couldn’t help myself

He made me so angry

Why me?

If only ‘x’ didn’t do this, I’d be happy

When we’ve fallen into this paradoxical trap of believing we SHOULD have power yet ascribing all failures to achieve to being victimized, we’ve set ourselves up for constant misery and heartache.  We’ve fallen, unwittingly, into a life of servitude to both false expectations AND the exigencies of life

What to do?  It’s quite simple:  realize that there is only one true thing over which we have control:  ourselves.  When you’re sitting in the car waiting for your coffee and you begin to get all pissy because it’s taking a while, remind yourself that you have NO control over the barrista, the car in front of you, or the myriad other factors that contribute to each moment in your life.  Remind yourself that only you can choose what level and degree of happiness you have from moment to moment.  Look inside and see that you’re really not going to find happiness because you shaved 4 minutes off your commute or you got that extra bonus at work.

A funny thing will happen:  you’ll influence your environment in ways you never expected.  There’s a transformative power in folks who know the extent of their power and they tend to affect their situations in deep and interesting ways.  In our constant struggle for manipulations of our circumstances, we affect those around us in ways we can’t imagine and in ways that make our lives even MORE unpleasant, rather than less so.  As we settle back into ourselves, those around us sense our evenness and steadiness and magic occurs:  they start acting differently and reacting differently to us.  they no longer feel the fight from us and are more apt to cooperate rather than instigate.

We come full circle.  We have both more control than we ever imagined and far less.  It’s a matter of putting our eggs into the RIGHT basket rather than breaking them over the rocks of life’s circumstances.  Our lives will be enriched to the degree that we can clearly see and fully develop our ability to control our assent to those things we cannot control.  So, being a control freak ain’t so bad.

Best,

Brett

i’ve been thinking a lot lately about my love of stoicism.  I began my love affair back in my junior year of college, about ten years ago.

I was an exchange student of sorts in Zagreb, Croatia at the time.  I was really questioning my faith in a personal deity.  There was an english bookstore in one of the hotels in downtown, and I loved to go in, grab a newspaper or book and chill out.

One day I happened upon ‘The Meditations’ by Marcus Aurelius.  Almost immediately, I was drawn to the posture I read about in the pages of this 2k year old memoir of sorts.

What was so attractive?  One quote stuck out at me:

Vex not thy spirit at the course of things; they heed not thy vexation.

WOW!  I had been fighting for SO long over my religious quandry:  to believe in a god I didn’t to keep my friends, my career, my girlfriend, etc, or to follow my reason and jettison an ancient structure of beliefs that no longer seemed relevant?

As I read the meditations, I began to see another way:  to rely on MYSELF, on my rational faculty, and to begin to stand upright on my own.  And that’s exactly what I did.  I came home to the States 3 months early and braved what was the harded period in my young life.  I lost friends, a career, lots of experiences, and had crippling moments of doubt.

Would I go back?  Nope.  I now see that there are only so many things I can change in this world.  Those things I have control over are limited to myself.  All else comes as it does, and accepting it and moving with it make for a more calm, pleasurable human existence.  No longer do I worry that a pugnacious and petulant god is punishing me for whatever reason by ruining my earthly existence.  Negative AND positive outside circumstances come and go, and only my equanimity is in my grasp.

Living naturally, or going with the flow of nature, provides a reasonable and rational existential stance toward the world that allows us to truly enjoy the ‘play’ of life in ways that few other philosophies allow.  Far from being dour, depressed etc, Stoicism provides us with a beautiful tool for dealing with anything that comes our way.

thanks for listening,

Brett